Starter Notes

Here are some old 'starter' notes I found for a one-woman-show that I've been dreaming up in my head, off and on, for YEARS. There are punctuation and grammar errors all over it, but I'm just copy-and-pasting it as-is for now, to make sure it never gets lost again, and to get any kind of feedback anyone wants to offer. Since it's now been re-discovered, I think I may take some time to work on it some more sometime soon. :)

INTRODUCTION

I am standing almost naked before you today not because I feel pride in my body, because I am not proud. The fact that I am not proud does not mean that I am ashamed, because I am not ashamed. I am just here. The residue of who I have been and the truth of who I am, and the foreshadowing of who I may become has accompanied me here today in the scars and the hanging flesh and the mounds of fat and generous curves of my body, and everywhere I go, I take them with me, and I refuse to let them or my perceptions of them or your perceptions of them keep me from showing up. Because not living the life I want starting now is a lie I matter too much to willingly harbor a cancerous lie in my ample flesh and you are too sacred to be lied to. So, here I am, and there you are.

For some of you, it may be hard to see what I stand here exposing. If it’s uncomfortable to look, then don’t look. Tonight is not about discomfort, yours or mine. Although I can just about guarantee that none of you is the least comfortable person in the room right now. It is about getting down and dirty with the naked truth, and that takes more than one evening with a poorly-lit over-exposed fat chick to accomplish. It’s just one holy night we are privileged to spend together, and I thank you for this gift.

FAT RAP

Plus-size, super-size

Curvy, Queen-size

Lard ass, Thunder thighs

Chunky, Chubby

Portly, Tubby

Stout and round, Soft, not hard

Economy-size, Tub o’ Lard

Fatty fatty two-by-four

Cant’s get through the kitchen door

Ate Wisconsin. Wants some more

Heifer

Cow

Pig

Sow

Wants her dinner

Get out now!

Overweight and Undertall

Gotta walk sideways through the hall

BBW, Rubenesque

Healthy? Abundant? Well-endowed? Blessed?

Obese, Big, Adipose

Large, in charge, Voluptuous

Big Boned, Sturdy, Thick, and Wide

Always 'It' (too big to hide)

Hippo hips, Bubble butt

Mouth don’t ever seem to shut

Always the funny one, never moody

With her double-wide, Tons o’ Fun, Ghetto bootie

Always got a strapped on a bag of feed

Built for comfort, not for speed

More cushion

for the pushin'

An easy lay out of desperation

But who would want to have a relation--

-Ship. With a girl so fat

Can’t show up at the club with her lookin’ like that

So thick in the middle, can’t sit in a booth

The girl gotta have more than just one sweet tooth

It’s a shame. She has such a pretty face.

Better set out the metal chairs, just in case.

Frumpy Dumpy Plump

Lumpy Bumpy Rump

Do you really need to eat that?

She’ll have a dressing that’s low-fat

Just learn to keep your portions small.

Have one bite. No more. No less. That’s all.

(I know, let’s save money by just skipping my order, and after you eat, I’ll kill and eat YOU, skinny bitch. No, I’m not bitter; I just want the creamy dressing, dammit.)

STUFF I REALLY WANT

And that’s not all. I want a lot of things. I want magazines to stop telling me that there is a swimsuit to flatter my figure. It’s a swimsuit. If it flattered my figure it would be called…NOT a swimsuit! Ain’t nobody invented a swimsuit to hide my figure flaws. And if someone DID invent a swimsuit that would flatter my body…why the hell wasn’t she curing cancer or spinal cord injuries?

I want

ONE SIZE FITS MOST

I want a ban on ONE SIZE FITS MOST labels. That is so much worse than ONE SIZE FITS ALL. We all know that’s a lie. But, ripping the seams in a ONE SIZE FITS MOST nightgown is just depressing.

Bigger than Most. I’m bigger than Most.

One size fit’s Most, but I’m bigger than Most.

Most gets my old clothes that I have outgrown.

Most is the best-dressed bitch I’ve ever known.

Oh, there are so many more verses there, but they’re so bad, I do not want to be the one to go there. I have enough to live down after the unfortunate rapping incident from a few seconds ago.

Rap and bluegrass in the first 15 minutes of the show. You do not want to leave early, ladies and gentlemen, or you may miss the opera portion of the evening. It ain’t over until… (crowd responds: the fat lady sings!) You got it. No, please, let me assure you…as well as a no nudity guarantee, I also assure you an opera-free evening, if I have anything to say about it. And, I have a lot to say, so fasten your seat belts. If you can. We have no seatbelt extender here, which is why we smart fat folks always carry our own.

THE PERMISSION SLIP

You're allowed to do it with the lights on. And, afterward, if you want to, you can walk to the bathroom without wrapping in a sheet to cover your backside. And, if your partner gets that look that says that he or she or they cannot appreciate a view that is not narrow, shallow and plastic, you are allowed to be the one to say 'This isn't really working for me.'

You're allowed to dance. At the public pool, in the bathing suit that suits you, after a spectacular cannonball, if you wish. Or at a bar, completely sober, or not quite. Naked or scantily clad in your living room, with the drapes almost closed. At a ballet audition, just to say you did it, and to give the judges interesting dinner conversation. And when people ask you 'What is it that you do?' you're allowed to look them in the eye and say 'I am a dancer"

And, though it's none of your concern what people think of you, you're allowed to assume they think you are magnificent.